I had thought after so many years of distance, we can be friends again and the bygones are bygones by now for him. We have been exchanging messages and short mails for sometime now. Usual, how are you? How is the kid? Whats new? mails floated on a forthnightly basis between us. I had refrained talking about my husband as I didnt want to trigger any other signals or jealousy in his mind.
One night, my husband was out of town for work. As usual after putting my daughter to sleep, I went online and was generally chatting with couple of friends. He appeared from nowhere and we started chatting.
I have been extra careful about not flirting with him in our chats or conversations. Flirting comes naturally to me and I find no harm in it. A light hearted carefree flirting can never harm anybody I feel. EXCEPT, someone who is already emotional about you!!
So even the casual words like sweetheart/darling which I usually used in my conversation with others were consciously eliminated while conversing with him. I had to remind myself constantly that he is a friend and I dont want to hurt him.
My longing for being treated as the fairy tale princess by my prince charming was still unsatiated. I have been married for almost a decade and more, but the feeling of being SPECIAL to someone was still alien to me. Expression of love, surprises, putting your love before yourself was something only I practised in my married relationship. Initally I protested, with years I adjusted.
But some longings in life surface in your life at the wrong place, wrong time and with wrong person. And it does some irrepairable mistakes in life. I did such mistake that night.
As usual, he diverted our chat to the same old conversation. He started with his destiny who has given him nothing he so desired in life. Then coming to his broken peices in life. Then how I cannot understand how he feels? I should have taken the cues and shut my mouth of uttering further. Not about destiny, nor about him. But I uttered!! I told him, how coward he has been in proposing to me over a chat. And how I wished he had proposed to me face to face, looking directly into my eyes.
The damage was done. My conversation was taken in the way he wanted to take it. I could have cleared the air there itself, I could have told him what exactly I meant. That was the only chance I had to go back and tell him that I can never be his. But I didnt...
One night, my husband was out of town for work. As usual after putting my daughter to sleep, I went online and was generally chatting with couple of friends. He appeared from nowhere and we started chatting.
I have been extra careful about not flirting with him in our chats or conversations. Flirting comes naturally to me and I find no harm in it. A light hearted carefree flirting can never harm anybody I feel. EXCEPT, someone who is already emotional about you!!
So even the casual words like sweetheart/darling which I usually used in my conversation with others were consciously eliminated while conversing with him. I had to remind myself constantly that he is a friend and I dont want to hurt him.
My longing for being treated as the fairy tale princess by my prince charming was still unsatiated. I have been married for almost a decade and more, but the feeling of being SPECIAL to someone was still alien to me. Expression of love, surprises, putting your love before yourself was something only I practised in my married relationship. Initally I protested, with years I adjusted.
But some longings in life surface in your life at the wrong place, wrong time and with wrong person. And it does some irrepairable mistakes in life. I did such mistake that night.
As usual, he diverted our chat to the same old conversation. He started with his destiny who has given him nothing he so desired in life. Then coming to his broken peices in life. Then how I cannot understand how he feels? I should have taken the cues and shut my mouth of uttering further. Not about destiny, nor about him. But I uttered!! I told him, how coward he has been in proposing to me over a chat. And how I wished he had proposed to me face to face, looking directly into my eyes.
The damage was done. My conversation was taken in the way he wanted to take it. I could have cleared the air there itself, I could have told him what exactly I meant. That was the only chance I had to go back and tell him that I can never be his. But I didnt...
It is really good that you talked about your feelings and now you may feeling fresh after confessing about your secret desires. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and keep posting.
ReplyDeleteBest regards
Eric stalker
Owner of copper mug