Decision of Abortion

When I entered the reception area I was pre occupied with alot of varied thoughts and huge amount of anxiety with what is the doctor going to suggest and what ordeal is waiting for me in the next few days?
I registered myself and waited for their registration formality to get over with a blank mind. I realized the place is extremely warm with pictures of cute little babies all over the place. The vibrant colors and cozy interiors suited just the feeling of every expecting mother. I could almost imagine my new born babies picture over there on the wall.
I suddenly realized I am not going to be the lucky one, this time. Flashback almost stood in front of me like a film. I had waited to be a mother for almost 3 years and had taken all possible efforts to be one. Every month when I cried after the Pregnancy test those three years were playing in my mind. And then how the happiest moment of my life came when I conceived and the scans showed a live heart beating in my womb. I could hear those beats even today.  And those beats were again beating in my womb and this time also the mother in me, still have the same emotions. That thing in me is my baby, this time I havent prayed for it nor have I thought of having it. But it was still my baby.

Hoysalon ki udaan

Par kaatkar parinde ke, Usee jeene chod diya
Uski udaan ko kuchalkar, usko gumnaam kar diya,

Lekin aye sitamgar, tu kyun yeh bhul gaya ki
Udaan par mein nahi hoysalon mein hoti hai
Jaan shab mein nahi jeene ke aarman mein hoti hai
Muskurahate labo par nahi dil mein panapti hai
Aur sone ki kaid mein khushiya nahi, sirf siskiyan hi dehekti hai!!

Tanhai

Tanhai ke saaye mein sirf gum naseeb hote hai,
Tanhai ke saaye mein sirf gum naseeb hote hai,
Gaalib aab yeh sitam na karna,
Gaalib aab yeh sitam na karna,
Yeh na kehna ki gum mein bhi tumko
Aab hum naazar aate hai!!

Secret Desires - Part II

I had thought after so many years of distance, we can be friends again and the bygones are bygones by now for him. We have been exchanging messages and short mails for sometime now. Usual, how are you? How is the kid? Whats new? mails floated on a forthnightly basis between us. I had refrained talking about my husband as I didnt want to trigger any other signals or jealousy in his mind.
One night, my husband was out of town for work. As usual after putting my daughter to sleep, I went online and was generally chatting with couple of friends. He appeared from nowhere and we started chatting.
I have been extra careful about not flirting with him in our chats or conversations. Flirting comes naturally to me and I find no harm in it. A light hearted carefree flirting can never harm anybody I feel. EXCEPT, someone who is already emotional about you!!
So even the casual words like sweetheart/darling which I usually used in my conversation with others were consciously eliminated while conversing with him. I had to remind myself constantly that he is a friend and I dont want to hurt him.
My longing for being treated as the fairy tale princess by my prince charming was still unsatiated. I have been married for almost a decade and more, but the feeling of being SPECIAL to someone was still alien to me. Expression of love, surprises, putting your love before yourself was something only I practised in my married relationship. Initally I protested, with years I adjusted.
But some longings in life surface in your life at the wrong place, wrong time and with wrong person. And it does some irrepairable mistakes in life. I did such mistake that night.
As usual, he diverted our chat to the same old conversation. He started with his destiny who has given him nothing he so desired in life. Then coming to his broken peices in life. Then how I cannot understand how he feels? I should have taken the cues and shut my mouth of uttering further. Not about destiny, nor about him. But I uttered!! I told him, how coward he has been in proposing to me over a chat. And how I wished he had proposed to me face to face, looking directly into my eyes.
The damage was done. My conversation was taken in the way he wanted to take it. I could have cleared the air there itself, I could have told him what exactly I meant. That was the only chance I had to go back and tell him that I can never be his. But I didnt...

Secret Desires - Part I

It was cheating in all possible realms of society and I had no logical reasons for it. Especially now after 13 years of marriage and one lovely kid, I never thought I would ever fall in such a relationship. I wanted to get out of it everyday since it started and the more I tried the more I was falling for the guy.

He was nothing extra ordinary or someone better than my husband but the relationship which started as mere friendship took a huge step forward and we had admitted our love for each other. LOVE,LOVE,I dont know but there is something between us.

I knew him for almost 15 years now, but there were no butterflies all this time. I was loud, he was shy. I was practical, he was emotional. I was blunt,he was diplomatic. So in all possible ways, we were different. He is married for more years than I am and he also has a 8 years son.

Few years back when I chatted with him casually, he told me about his feelings for me. And that time, I had all possible reasons to accept his love. I was 3-4 years in my marriage, I was frustrated with married life. I expected completely different things from life and the post marital life had given me something else. I felt trapped in a binding relationship named marriage. I  didnt have kids and I was financially independent.

At that time, I was vulnerable, I could have easily given to the temptation of getting his emotional support to pull back my life. But my conscience didnt agree to it and I decided to not fall prey to my vulnerability. I tried to convince him that what he expects is totally unaccepted and we should not ruin our friendship because of silly things. When he didnt seem to understand, I distanced myself from him and was not in touch with him for many years.

Meanwhile, my married life settled, we had a beautiful daughter. She filled my life with happiness and I started taking life more positively. I had become the usual sunshine I was in my college days. And my life started revolving around my kids and house. The usual petty things did not lead to fights anymore in our marriage and we had reached an equilibrium in life. I had started looking at the silver lining and the grey cloud also seemed colourful now.

But destiny had something else in store for me. I would have been spared of alot of complications in my life, if that night we would have not chatted ....

Finally on the journey to my heart

So many things you want to write about yourself, but your public persona is such that you cannot express. Things which you feel but your status in life forces you to behave differently. This is my space to express, to tell the truth to myself. To record the other side of me. My journey has begun,, lets see where it takes me finally!!